Advice

Today I'm giving out advice.

Buy low, sell high.

Buy sheep, sell deer.

If you think to yourself, Maybe I didn't eat enough of those brownies, maybe I didn't take enough of those mushrooms, you did. Really.

Never refuse free food.

Never, ever refuse free booze.

Always think twice. Maybe three times. Always think in odd numbers, or you'll end up back where you started.

Bend your knees.

Don't think you can change him. You can't. If your plans depend on changing him, think twice. Or three times.

Count your change.

Find the exit. Keep an eye on it.

Do it. Whatever it is, you'll always wonder what would have happened. Now you'll know.

Stay away from the Twinkies. You may have eaten them when you were a kid, but you'll be sorry now.

Never send the waiter away to give you more time to study the menu. Make him wait. When you send him away, he'll do his whole round of tables, go outside for smoke, play a game of cards, have another smoke, and call home to check in before he comes back.

Don't bet the field. The field is a sucker bet.

Don't take the top one. It's probably been read, fingered, crinkled up, covered with eye tracks.

Don't take the front one. It probably fell off the shelf and got stuck back up there.

Don't follow a bunch of kids through the buffet line.

Always pick the other line. It moves faster.

Put things off. If you wait long enough, they'll go away by themselves.

Don't bend over in those shorts.

Avoid restaurants named with possessive nouns, unless they're the name of the owner. Bob's, good. Shenanigan's, bad. Gomerini's, okay. Chili's bad. T.G.I. Friday's, especially bad.

Be careful when the sign shows a smiling animal that you're going to eat.

If you wonder what will happen if you do something, it will probably be bad.

Get some gas now. You never know.

Practice, man, practice.

Don't ever, under any circumstances, let anyone take pictures of you naked.

Don't take pictures of yourself naked. Sometime you're going to wish you hadn't.

If you don't know where you're going, just keep going. You're bound to end up somewhere.